Nurturing Authentic Friendships as Highly Sensitive People

By Donna Chisholm, Andrea Brideau, Robbie Leigh, and Fiona Fletcher Tavernier.

For many, friendships are a comforting refuge, a place where we can truly be ourselves. We seek acceptance in these connections, where we don’t have to pretend or mould ourselves into someone we’re not. Authentic friendships are invaluable, especially for highly sensitive people (HSPs).

Our Shared Experience as HSPs

Though our journeys are diverse, we all share a common thread: the highly sensitive trait. This shared trait unites us, providing a deep understanding of the world and how we interact with it. It also compels us to foster authentic friendships and connections in our lives.

The Beauty of Authenticity

Being in a friendship where you can be authentic is a treasure beyond words. In these relationships, you can reveal your quirks, oddities, and unpredictabilities without fear of judgment. As HSPs, we understand the significance of this more than most.

Robbie Leigh is an empowerment coach who helps HSPs embrace their sensitive strengths, cultivate self-compassion, and trust their inner wisdom. Andrea Brideau Miller specialises in assisting HSPs in energetically connecting with nature. Fiona Fletcher Tavernier is a psychotherapist with a growing Reiki-based mental health practice. Donna Chisholm is a relational coach dedicated to enhancing the depth of connection in our lives.

Authentic Friendships and the Highly Sensitive Person

As HSPs, we believe in embracing authenticity in our friendships. When we allow people to be themselves, quirks and all, we receive their best version. Authenticity is the breeding ground for deep, meaningful connections. The beauty of being an HSP truly shines in these genuine moments of connection.

In our work, we strive to create spaces for people to show up as they are and invite them to reveal their authentic selves. We understand that, as HSPs, the world can sometimes feel overwhelming. It’s our mission to help others harness their sensitivity, grow their self-compassion, and tap into their inner wisdom. We support people’s journey towards a more authentic, fulfilled life. 

Challenges and Transitions in Friendship

As we go through different life stages and transitions, we often face challenges in maintaining and forming friendships. Donna shares her experience as a single parent whose son has just gone to college. She highlights the developmental challenges that can arise when friends are at different life stages, such as raising young children while her son is older. Additionally, building new friendships can be a unique challenge in a world where working from home and virtual meetings are increasingly common.

The Qualities That Matter

In our discussion, we’ve touched on some of the pivotal qualities in our friendships. Kindness is a common thread; we all agree it’s an essential foundation for any authentic connection.

Donna emphasises the importance of creating a safe space to be your true self. She finds this safety, where you don’t have to put on a mask or pretend to be something you’re not, precious in her friendships.

Robbie beautifully adds to this by highlighting the significance of acceptance. In her perspective, being in a friendship where you feel accepted for who you are, without needing to conform to someone’s expectations, is paramount. Robbie also underlines her love for letting people show up authentically and believes that’s when we get the best version of individuals.

The Journey of Discovery in Friendships

As Fiona shares her thoughts, she reflects on her journey of discovering her needed friendships. It took her time to realise that not all friendships are the same. Group friendships, for instance, brought a sense of obligation, making it challenging for her to pay attention to her needs and wants in relationships. Fiona’s experience highlights the unique nature of friendships as an HSP.

In this conversation, we’ve touched upon some of the essential qualities we value in our friendships as highly sensitive individuals: kindness, acceptance, authenticity, and the recognition that not all friendships will look the same. Friendships are indeed a unique and treasured aspect of our lives. As HSPs, we approach them with a distinct perspective, emphasising depth, authenticity, and the celebration of individual quirks and qualities.

Friendships are journeys of growth, self-discovery, and mutual support. They’re testaments to the beauty of being who you are and to the joy of finding those who appreciate and celebrate you for it.

One-on-One Friendships: A Special Connection

Fiona starts by sharing her preference for one-on-one friendships. She finds immense joy in these close connections, and accepting this personal inclination has made it easier for her to form and enjoy friendships. She humorously remarks that she might only create a new friend about once in her 53 years of life, but it’s something extraordinary when it does happen.

Acceptance is a significant theme for Fiona, who values friends who understand her social limits and appreciate the unique qualities she brings to the friendship.

Unhealthy Friendship Standards

Fiona elaborates on the media’s unhealthy standards, particularly in portraying female friendships. She describes feeling like something was wrong with her because she couldn’t connect in a way that mirrored the high-drama, emotionally intense friendships seen on television and in movies.

Fiona highlights the importance of redefining the standards for friendship representation. She envisions media that showcases healthy boundaries, supportive communication, and a kinder, more authentic way of connecting. She acknowledges that this can be even more challenging for HSPs, who are naturally inclined towards depth and meaning in relationships.

Breaking Free from Obligation

The concept of obligation in friendships strikes a chord with Fiona. She speaks of a standard societal conditioning where individuals sometimes feel obligated to be part of something or belong rather than choosing to do so from a place of authenticity and desire. To counteract this, Donna encourages a shift from the singular “I” to the collective “we” in friendships. She emphasises the importance of mutual value and support for each other’s self-care. Open and honest communication plays a pivotal role in these relationships.

In her perspective, friendships should never be based on obligation. Instead, they should be nurtured by a genuine desire to be with one another, free from pretence or societal pressures. Encouraging an open dialogue between friends about their feelings of obligation makes it possible to maintain an authentic connection.

Creating a Safe and Balanced Space

The idea of safety resurfaces in our conversation, and Robbie highlights the role HSPs play in holding safe spaces for others to express themselves. HSPs are often skilled at offering support and a listening ear, allowing their friends to release their feelings and thoughts without judgment.

However, Donna raises a critical point: HSPs should be cautious not to let these relationships become one-sided or draining. She describes her experience of friends who, once prompted with a simple “How are you doing?” immediately launch into lengthy discussions of their problems, leaving little space for her to share. Donna’s journey to establish balance and self-inclusion in her friendships underscores the need for mutual respect and support.

The Journey of Communication, Boundaries and Permission

Andrea appreciates how vulnerability and setting boundaries have changed her understanding of friendships. She reflects on her natural inclination to be a haven for others’ emotions but highlights the need for open and honest communication with friends. By checking in, she can address her fears and feelings, thus making her emotional expression a shared and reciprocal experience.

Robbie adds another layer to the conversation by mentioning the risks of vulnerability. She acknowledges it is risky, especially when navigating it for the first time. Robbie tests the waters by offering a glimpse into her feelings and watching the response. If she finds curiosity and care in return, it’s a positive sign that this is a safe space for deeper conversations.

Robbie emphasises the importance of clear communication, ensuring that her friends understand she is not asking them to take responsibility for her feelings. It’s a joint effort where both sides understand their role and feel comfortable expressing vulnerability.

Donna beautifully highlights the power of permission in friendships. She encourages friends to listen without feeling the burden of taking on each other’s emotions, and sharing and listening become a joint experience in which both parties respect boundaries and understand their roles.

Andrea also stresses the importance of asking for and giving permission to share profound emotional experiences. This ensures that friends understand they are not expected to carry each other’s emotional load.

The Influence of Media on Friendship

Andrea raises a crucial point about the media’s influence on our perceptions of friendship. She notes that many of us grew up during the television era and learned about friendship primarily through the media. In many cases, these portrayals tend to be superficial and clicky, perpetuating an image of friendship that may not align with our experiences.

Andrea desires to see more examples of respectful, deep, and meaningful friendships in media. She’s drawn to European movies for their depth of character, often highlighting connections and emotions more profoundly.

The Transformative Power of Vulnerability

Donna shares a profound experience in a friendship where she found the courage to express her feelings and fears. In a moment of uncertainty, she chose to be vulnerable and tell her friend about her apprehensions. The outcome was transformative. Rather than placing blame or giving advice, they both approached the situation with a sense of shared responsibility.

This experience underscores the importance of being willing to open up and take a chance on vulnerability. Donna emphasises that it’s not about assigning blame but rather about fostering a shared commitment to understanding and supporting each other. These instances of vulnerability can strengthen bonds and take friendships to a deeper, more meaningful level.

The Impact of Past Triggers

Fiona discusses past triggers and how they can affect our responses in the present. As HSPs, we may sometimes have our feelings hurt more quickly than others. Fiona emphasises recognising that our nervous systems are literally wired differently, making us more sensitive to specific experiences. Acknowledging this trait can help us respond to situations more empathetically and understandably. 

In conclusion, the conversation underscores that vulnerability and effective communication are the cornerstones of authentic friendships for HSPs. Being open, honest, and willing to share feelings can deepen our connections and create enriching and mutually empowering bonds. We hope this blog has provided valuable insights and encouraged you to explore the beauty of authentic friendships as HSPs. Through open communication, shared vulnerability, and the nurturing of healthy boundaries, we can cultivate relationships that bring profound growth and understanding to our lives.

Thank you for joining us on this journey through the world of friendships. Together, we celebrate the beauty of being exactly who we are and the power of meaningful, supportive, and deeply significant connections. We look forward to continuing this exploration of human connection and authenticity in a world of highly sensitive people.

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